trapeze-act's Diaryland Diary

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Woah, d-land

I'm laughing really hard at my old entries. I was thinking about this diaryland the other day and how I've felt a need to write more lately. I've been in this mental rut lately. I debated anti-depressants for awhile but I never followed through with it.

There's been so much going on in my life lately. P and I are still married, almost 4 years now. It's been rough lately, we haven't been connecting. He's an alcoholic and not getting help for it. I'm struggling with bringing up the conversation again and what we need to do. It gnaws at me every day. I think he's an alcoholic, and he admits it - only we he drinks.

My problem is - he's gotten better. He used to be a raging drunk and say the cruelest things. It's half the reason I don't like to drink or keep alcohol in the house. The other night we were talking and having a few drinks when he left to get soda. I was mad he left drunk and drove. He thinks it's okay, I don't. Then he didn't come back for 45 minutes because he stopped at the bar. He said he only had two drinks but he came back so drunk. He gets his glazed over look in his eyes when he's drunk and I absolutely hate it.

He passed out in the bathroom and I went in to pee. He passed out in our room so I got in the shower and he started yelling at me. He then looks at our 2 year old and goes, "your mom is a fucking bitch" and went back to the bar.

The next day he apologized but I don't know where my line is. Part of me thinks I'm a huge pushover and I should leave and do better for me and the kids. The other part of me says I love him, he's not physically abusive, and I would be horrible to leave him in the lowest point in his life.

We married for better or worse - this is worse. Or am I wrong?

I don't know. I'm still in college. Still. I'm two semesters away from my bachelor's degree. I should've been done a long time ago but I'm still plugging away at it. We don't live in the midwest anymore, we live in the pacific northwest which I love. I want to move to the coast, though. Hopefully we are doing that soon.

I'm in a custody battle with my oldest so I haven't seen her in a few months. That's been a rough ride. I have three daughters now, too.

I didn't imagine my life would be like this and looking through my old entries is hilarious and sad and eye opening. I wish I wouldn't have been so destructive in my youth, I used to get furious and delete everything like deleting my entries deleted that part of my life.

2:02 PM - February 05, 2016

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