trapeze-act's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - A few entries back I wrote about being really fucking depressed to the point where I just feel something is wrong with my brain. Every Friday J and I and the baby go buy groceries and just spend time in town as a family. I can't remember the argument, but apparently J did not like my tone or what I was saying so he told me he wasn't going anywhere with me and he was staying home. I got upset for some reason. I don't know why, because I do enjoy being by myself. I looked at him and told him that he was such a fucking jerk, and that if he had a modicum of compassion for me in him, that instead of jumping on the 'You're a bitch' bandwagon as he so frequently does, he would ask me what was wrong and ask me if I needed help and if I was okay. I broke down in complete tears and was shaking I was so upset, and told him that he should think to ask me if I'm alright instead of assuming I'm snapping or getting angry. The baby was crawling around as usual just wondering what the hell was going on. I do not like getting upset in front of her. We never, ever argue in front of her. EVER. It's just inappropriate. So a lot goes unsaid between us for her sake, at the expense of our sanity and possibly our relationship. I went to the bathroom, slammed the door, and tried to fix my make up as the tears kept pouring out. I came out and told him he'd need to buy food from the local crap store if he was staying home. He slowly put on his shoes and said he was coming with me. We haven't spoke of that since. He still doesn't ask if I'm okay. He hasn't brought up that I flat out told him I was depressed and needed help. None of it. He's ignored it. I am growing exceedingly bitter towards him and last night fully envisioned what my life would be like as a single mother. I was infinitely happier than doing this shit day in and day out. I guess I should turn myself into my next project. Feeling lost amongst the diapers, arguments and toddler tantrums I don't feel like a whole person anymore. I haven't felt like a whole person in awhile. Maybe if I get lost in a new self image I'll find something worth developing. 11:12 AM - June 16, 2011 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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